{"id":3560,"date":"2019-11-07T17:30:50","date_gmt":"2019-11-07T17:30:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joshworth.com\/?p=3560"},"modified":"2025-01-10T23:21:46","modified_gmt":"2025-01-10T23:21:46","slug":"rejected-craft-beer-labels","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/rejected-craft-beer-labels\/","title":{"rendered":"Rejected Craft Beer Labels"},"content":{"rendered":"
Descriptive copy for craft beer labels that was rejected. probably because the writers had sampled too much of the product.<\/em><\/div>\n
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Lofty Spirit Lager<\/h3>\n
Wow! All we can say about this beer is \u201cwow!\u201d As in \u201cwow\u201d that tastes like a good beer. Like a beer with a light sort of aftery-bitter thing that makes you feel like you\u2019re feeling pretty goddamn nice. Really! Like it’s been a while since you felt this nice \u2013 like, without all that crap and stuff, like weighing you down. It\u2019s not all heavy like some beers with all that malt and wheat. It\u2019s like you\u2019ve got a balloon or something that\u2019s like attached to your neck but it\u2019s not choking you to death like a noose. It’s lifting you up along with it and you\u2019re like looking down, like \u201cthere\u2019s my old apartment\u201d – or something. You know, right? You do. Yessir. You know what this beer is talking about.<\/div>\n
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Borderline Imperial Stout<\/h3>\n
You might start by sipping this black-hearted bad boy after a hefty steak dinner or a trip to the sawmill, but with it\u2019s distinctive backwoods flavor and massive 11% ABV, you\u2019ll soon find yourself craving it\u2019s barrel-aged complexities at inopportune moments like breakfast, the zoning committee meeting, or drivin\u2019 the truck past Darlene\u2019s late at night. Before long, you\u2019ll have yourself a problem that\u2019s as full-blown as the oaky-laden richness of this finely-tuned stout and you\u2019ll be needing a recovery program that\u2019s as rock solid as its rye and oat malts.<\/div>\n
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Voyeur Winter Brown Ale<\/h3>\n
With hints of caramel and toffee aromas, the nutted sharpness of this English-style ale will have you pausing the way you did after accidentally opening the door of the bathroom stall on a stranger at the pub,\u00a0while its piney overtones bring to mind the warm wintry pleasure of sis off at boarding school and you poring over her diary, soaking up tales of her secret trip to the ski cabin with Dwight, all while Mums and Daddums are downstairs, none the wiser.<\/div>\n
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Bounce House IPA<\/h3>\n
The hoppy tones of this IPA are as stalwart as you and the other dads proving to each other that you still know how to celebrate in style, even if it\u2019s just at some kid\u2019s birthday party. The mossy aftertaste lets you momentarily recall the days of carefree partying with the dudes, while citrusy notes maintain the delicate balance of family harmony and minimize the judgmental glares of the uptight power-moms.\u00a0The pleasant bitterness pairs well with cupcakes and party-tray carrots.<\/div>\n
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\u0160nobovice Czech-Style Pilsener<\/h3>\n
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The smooth elegance of imported European hops make this the perfect beer for when you\u2019re trying to discuss bottom-fermenting yeast strains with a group of bratty trust-funders who probably wouldn’t even detect the refined\u00a0hints of elderberry you’re enjoying in this unique take on the traditional bohemian pilsener. Look at them with their “microbrewery” t-shirts, drinking lambics from thistle glasses. Do they even know you met the president of this brewery on your trip to Prague?<\/div>\n
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Gap Year Hefeweizen<\/h3>\n
You look through a doorway and see a person sitting on a futon in the other room, looking out of place. Who invited that weirdo with the tattoo and the vacant expression? But then you realize that\u2019s no doorway \u2013 it\u2019s a mirror. And you\u2019re so amped up on this hefty hefeweizen that you didn\u2019t even recognize yourself \u2013 just as your parents, who are paying for this \u201cadventure\u201d of yours, this tuition for the \u201cuniversity of life\u201d \u2013 wouldn\u2019t recognize you either. But at least you have this microbrew with its hints of lemon-peel and coriander. As the condensation on the bottle builds and mixes with the perspiration on your hand causing the label to loosen, remember that it\u2019s ok to peel it. That way you’ll know its yours. Think of it as leaving your mark on the world.<\/div>\n
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Buckin’ Bronco Dopplebock<\/h3>\n
Yee haw! Grab your spurs and pistols, it\u2019s time for the rootin\u2019-tootin’ taste of this Western double-take on the classic bock. The intense malty sweetness will keep the blinders on as you sip the day away ’til your gut gets that uneasy queasiness that tells ya maybe you’ve been ridin’ the prairie a bit too long. The next morning, you\u2019ll be the star of the Porcelain County Rodeo as you blast out the remnants of pulled pork bbq with a\u00a0cole-slaw side, then get back in the saddle for another day of dark-brew drinkin.’<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Descriptive beer-label copy crafted by writers who have obviously sampled too much of the product.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3569,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[106,113],"tags":[107],"class_list":["post-3560","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-essays","category-humor","tag-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3560","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3560"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3560\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4010,"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3560\/revisions\/4010"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3569"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3560"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3560"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshworth.com\/jpw\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3560"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}