Descriptive copy for craft beer labels that was rejected. probably because the writers had sampled too much of the product.

Lofty Spirit Lager

Wow! All we can say about this beer is “wow!” As in “wow” that tastes like a good beer. Like a beer with a light sort of aftery-bitter thing that makes you feel like you’re feeling pretty goddamn nice. Really! Like it’s been a while since you felt this nice – like, without all that crap and stuff, like weighing you down. It’s not all heavy like some beers with all that malt and wheat. It’s like you’ve got a balloon or something that’s like attached to your neck but it’s not choking you to death like a noose. It’s lifting you up along with it and you’re like looking down, like “there’s my old apartment” – or something. You know, right? You do. Yessir. You know what this beer is talking about.

Borderline Imperial Stout

You might start by sipping this black-hearted bad boy after a hefty steak dinner or a trip to the sawmill, but with it’s distinctive backwoods flavor and massive 11% ABV, you’ll soon find yourself craving it’s barrel-aged complexities at inopportune moments like breakfast, the zoning committee meeting, or drivin’ the truck past Darlene’s late at night. Before long, you’ll have yourself a problem that’s as full-blown as the oaky-laden richness of this finely-tuned stout and you’ll be needing a recovery program that’s as rock solid as its rye and oat malts.

Voyeur Winter Brown Ale

With hints of caramel and toffee aromas, the nutted sharpness of this English-style ale will have you pausing the way you did after accidentally opening the door of the bathroom stall on a stranger at the pub, while its piney overtones bring to mind the warm wintry pleasure of sis off at boarding school and you poring over her diary, soaking up tales of her secret trip to the ski cabin with Dwight, all while Mums and Daddums are downstairs, none the wiser.

Bounce House IPA

The hoppy tones of this IPA are as stalwart as you and the other dads proving to each other that you still know how to celebrate in style, even if it’s just at some kid’s birthday party. The mossy aftertaste lets you momentarily recall the days of carefree partying with the dudes, while citrusy notes maintain the delicate balance of family harmony and minimize the judgmental glares of the uptight power-moms. The pleasant bitterness pairs well with cupcakes and party-tray carrots.

Šnobovice Czech-Style Pilsener

The smooth elegance of imported European hops make this the perfect beer for when you’re trying to discuss bottom-fermenting yeast strains with a group of bratty trust-funders who probably wouldn’t even detect the refined hints of elderberry you’re enjoying in this unique take on the traditional bohemian pilsener. Look at them with their “microbrewery” t-shirts, drinking lambics from thistle glasses. Do they even know you met the president of this brewery on your trip to Prague?

Gap Year Hefeweizen

You look through a doorway and see a person sitting on a futon in the other room, looking out of place. Who invited that weirdo with the tattoo and the vacant expression? But then you realize that’s no doorway – it’s a mirror. And you’re so amped up on this hefty hefeweizen that you didn’t even recognize yourself – just as your parents, who are paying for this “adventure” of yours, this tuition for the “university of life” – wouldn’t recognize you either. But at least you have this microbrew with its hints of lemon-peel and coriander. As the condensation on the bottle builds and mixes with the perspiration on your hand causing the label to loosen, remember that it’s ok to peel it. That way you’ll know its yours. Think of it as leaving your mark on the world.

Buckin’ Bronco Dopplebock

Yee haw! Grab your spurs and pistols, it’s time for the rootin’-tootin’ taste of this Western double-take on the classic bock. The intense malty sweetness will keep the blinders on as you sip the day away ’til your gut gets that uneasy queasiness that tells ya maybe you’ve been ridin’ the prairie a bit too long. The next morning, you’ll be the star of the Porcelain County Rodeo as you blast out the remnants of pulled pork bbq with a cole-slaw side, then get back in the saddle for another day of dark-brew drinkin.’